The next writing prompt in “God Is My Happy Place” is
“What dream have you almost given up on? Can you dare to keep dreaming?”
I have been going back and forth about what to write for this one. There are 3 major things I’m believing God for, that I have recently been on the verge of losing hope on. Starting to believe on this one again, gives me hope for the other 2, which I may cover at a later date, but I will share this one at this time.
The weight loss dream.
This dream is not about being a size 0 or anything like that. It is about being healthy & not being this heavy. It’s about being able to participate in life.
The weight loss journey throughout my life has been a little crazy to say the least. I weighed a lot during my childhood & throughout junior high. I lost a lot of weight during the summer between 8th & 9th grades. Then in my early to mid twenties I gained it back plus more. In my late twenties, I lost a lot of weight. In my thirties, I gained it back again plus some. Now I’m in my forties weighing the most I every have. This is not where I want to be.
I get exhausted easily. It is harder for me to do things. I’m not able to do a lot of things. I have low energy.
I get so frustrated with diets. I know it needs to be a lifestyle change. I want to change in a way, so that I don’t change back to old eating habits. I have been fearing failure. I fear losing again only to gain it back & as a result I have given up at times.
It has been such a slow process of change. However, I need that in order to really incorporate these boundaries in my life. What follows is my most recent process of changing my eating habits.
About 5-6 years ago, soda went out the door. I don’t miss soda at all. However, that is all the change I really made at that time. I did exercise some sporadically, but my heart wasn’t in it at all. I’m sure the people around me could tell. I know God was trying to get my attention, but I wasn’t listening well.
Since that time, several wonderful people I know have walked out their weight loss journeys out in front of me, which has been inspiring.
In 2018, an amazing person in my life wrote a book about the cure to addictions. (The Cure for Everything You Crave by Ashli Van Horn). It showed me some amazing things about how God is trying to get my attention and speak to me.
In the last year or so, I believe God was leading me to put food boundaries in place, which included no more bread, chocolate, candy; and I’m only eating gluten-free pasta. It has been a challenge to add those boundaries. I don’t believe that I’m trying to go completely gluten/sugar free, but those boundaries are helping me to eat a lot less of it. These boundaries are getting easier, but still somewhat difficult at times. But I’m learning to cook/eat differently. I have for sure not been perfect at keeping my boundaries. In fact, I have failed more than I have succeeded this year. In fact, as of last week or so, I had only lost 7 lbs. Frustration.
A month or 2 ago, the new change is eating smaller meals. Eating only when I’m hungry. Stopping when I’m full. This means slowing down, so that I can tell when I’m full. This change is harder yet. This is the way I was eating in my late twenties and lost all the weight, which, I believe, God led me to do & gave me the strength to do it. However, I let fear of the future seep in and lead me astray on this one. I want to be able to eat like that again. Where God is my focus and not the food. With God all things are possible. Though I have not been very good about incorporating this into my life.
A week or so ago, while listening to my pastor on Facebook Live, I was convicted of not being obedient & not trusting Him. In that moment, I completely realized that I was the one continually dropping the ball, not sticking to the boundaries, allowing myself to cheat on my diet, putting food/eating before God. I prayed and asked forgiveness for trying to do things my way, not putting Him first, & not being obedient. That day I started following my boundaries better with His help & learning to trust Him.
Also, there is an author that, I believe, God brought to my attention about 6-9 months ago. (Barb Raveling). She has a few books on weight loss, a blog, a podcast, & a free app as resources for weight loss. These resources are all Biblically based and centered around daily renewing your mind. I had sporadically listened to the podcast & read the blog. But I had been putting things off in that area. I had put off the books, for financial reasons, or so I told myself. Then she had a Bible study on procrastination a month or two ago, which I procrastinated too long on. So, after the above mentioned Facebook live, I felt I needed to order the books, so I did. They arrived. Now, I’m working on reading them & I have downloaded the app. I’m beginning to utilize the resources God has given me.
I am happy to say that I’m down 4 pounds over the last week. God is so good.
I’m still a little fearful of failure. I don’t want people to be disappointed in me or me being disappointed with myself. But, right now I’m trying to follow what I believe that God is leading me to do and trusting Him with my future.
Today, I’m reminded that this isn’t about me doing things perfect, but about developing my relationship with God. Trusting Him to do His job. That doesn’t mean that I need to leave all the boundaries behind and expect to wake up skinny tomorrow. I need to do my part & let God do His. How much I weigh is in God’s hands. I hold this dream in open hands before the Lord & trust Him with it. God is faithful & takes care of me. He gives me the victory over food/eating.
I believe the dream is on it’s way. Thank you, God. All the honor and glory is yours.