After the divorce, I was still going to the club every weekend, drinking, and going to parties.
I was a little promiscuous during this time.
After a little while, I started going back to church, but was still partying. I wasn’t necessarily ready to give up my way yet. But it was a start.
I started dating a guy for a while from the church. Then he told me about a church where there was a younger crowd. I started going to that church and really liked it.
I moved back to the town I was in before. I broke up with the guy I was dating. I knew I didn’t need to be in that relationship.
I went to another party or two. At one party, a guy attempted to rape me. He did not succeed, but it was yet another scary thing that happened to me.
I continued to go to church. It was a little while, but I decided to give my life back to the Lord and get baptized. I did get baptized about the age of 12, but I needed to do it again as a symbol of my renewed life. I know a lot of people remember exact moments when they were saved or rededicate their lives, but that is not my experience.
Somewhere around this time, I was able to forgive my father for what he had done & I was starting to forgive my ex husband. This helped me let things go and focus on my future. I do still have memories that come back to me from time to time, but I don’t dwell on them near as much and they are not my identity.
I used to have anxiety attacks where I would freeze in the middle of a store and mentally start freaking out about what I had done wrong. I prayed and asked God to take them from me, because I could not deal with them anymore. And He Did. It was so amazing. Thank you Lord.
I started back to school as a history education major.
I stopped drinking. It was like God just took the desire from me. I don’t miss alcohol or the clubs at all.
I believe God asked me to give up my obsession with vampires, which I had been into for a while, so I did. I got rid of all the books, movies, costumes that I had in relation to that. Then I stopped listening to secular music not long after that.
I also decided to stop chasing guys. I needed a break from guys. I made a decision to not sleep with a guy again until I was married and I wasn’t even going to let them kiss me unless we were engaged. I know it sounds drastic, but it was necessary for me.
There did come a time where I did hang out with a couple of guys as friends.
I started going to Chi Alpha, which is a Christian college ministry. I was older than many of the people there, but I enjoyed going. I made some good friends.
I think I enjoyed younger friends, because I feel like that is where I was mentally. Though I think that some of those friends were more mature than me in some aspects.
I went on a mission trip to Thailand with the church. I enjoyed that trip and the ministry experience. I grew a lot spiritually surrounding the trip.
I was hungry for God at this point in my life. I was at church/Chi Alpha whenever possible. I wanted to know more. I grew a lot spiritually, emotionally, & as a person during this time.
I have masked my emotions and still don’t let them come out often. But I did change a lot.
This is where I will stop for now. One more part to go.