After the divorce, I was still going to the club every weekend, drinking, and going to parties.
I was a little promiscuous during this time.
After a little while, I started going back to church, but was still partying. I wasn’t necessarily ready to give up my way yet. But it was a start.
I started dating a guy for a while from the church. He wasn’t necessarily the best guy for me to be dating, but the one thing that I got out of the relationship was that he told me about a church where there was a younger crowd. I started going to that church and really liked it.
I moved back to the town I was in before, which was also the same town the church was in. I broke up with the guy I was dating. I knew I didn’t need to be in that relationship. He wasn’t mean to me, but we were doing things we shouldn’t be doing. I also needed to be on my own for a while.
I went to another party or two. At one party, a guy attempted to rape me. He did not succeed, but it was yet another scary thing that happened to me.
I continued to go to church. It was a little while, but I decided to give my life back to the Lord and get baptized. I did get baptized about the age of 12, but I needed to do it again as a symbol of my renewed life. I know a lot of people remember exact moments when they were saved or rededicate their lives, but that is not my experience. I do remember the baptisms and I do remember the room at church camp that I was in when I was 12. But I don’t remember exact dates and times and really no more than just a glimpse of the event.
Somewhere around this time, I was able to forgive my father for what he had done & I was starting to forgive my ex husband. This helped me let things go and focus on my future. I do still have memories that come back to me from time to time, but I don’t dwell on them near as much and they are not my identity.
I used to have anxiety attacks where I would freeze in the middle of a store and mentally start freaking out about what I had done wrong. I prayed and asked God to take them from me, because I could not deal with them anymore. And He Did. It was so amazing. Thank you, Lord.
I started back to school as a history education major.
I stopped drinking around the time I started college. It was like God just took the desire from me. I don’t miss alcohol or the clubs at all. The person I was when I was drinking was no more. I was doing it just to get attention or to be cool anyway. I hated the taste of alcohol.
I believe God asked me to give up my obsession with vampires that had developed in my life, which I had been into for a while, so I did. I got rid of all the books, movies, costumes that I had in relation to that. I stopped celebrating Halloween and I still don’t.
Then I stopped listening to secular music not long after that. I needed to change what I was listening to and change my focus. So I started listening to solely Christian music. I know there are many secular songs that aren’t bad, but it was something I need to do. I don’t miss the music I used to listen to. In fact, when I hear a song I used to listen to, many times I’m usually annoyed or even find the lyrics to be horrible.
I also decided to stop chasing guys. I needed a break from guys. I made a decision to not sleep with a guy again until I was married and I wasn’t even going to let them kiss me unless we were engaged. I know it sounds drastic, but it was necessary for me.
There did come a time where I did hang out with a couple of guys as friends.
I started going to Chi Alpha, which is a Christian college ministry. I was a little older than many of the people there, but I enjoyed going. I made some good friends.
I think I enjoyed younger friends, because I feel like that is where I was mentally. Though I think that some of those friends were more mature than me in some aspects.
I went on a mission trip to Thailand with the church. I enjoyed that trip and the ministry experience. I grew a lot spiritually surrounding the trip.
I was hungry for God at this point in my life. I was at church/Chi Alpha whenever possible. I wanted to know more. I learned and changed a lot during this time. There were so many things to change and get rid of. I was learning to be the new me. At times it looked clumsy. Much like a child learning to walk. I fell on many occasions, but I got back up and kept trying.
This is where I will stop for now. Stay tuned for part 4.