Hello, everyone. Before I get started I want to make you aware, so you can be on the lookout. My story has 4 parts to it. I hope to post them all this week. They are all written. I’m just doing some minor proofreading.
I grew up in a small town in Oklahoma. Like many people, I don’t remember much about the first 5 years of my life. I know we lived in a trailer house. I remember having kittens. I remember some of the people we lived near. My brother was born when I was 4 years old.
Somewhere around the time I started kindergarten, we moved out to the country. My parents bought a trailer & we moved onto family land.
My mom was a bookkeeper at a bank. My dad was an over the road truck driver, which means he wasn’t home a lot.
My mom was and is an amazing mom. I can’t imagine having a better mom. She loved us and took care of us to the best of her ability. She made sure we were in church every week. She believed in us and knew we could do anything.
Then there’s my dad. This is the hard part to write about. You see about the time we moved to the country, my dad started molesting me when he was home. It was an ongoing thing for about ten years. I say approximately, because I don’t recollect my age when it started exactly. I just don’t remember a time in my childhood when it didn’t happen when he was home.
When he was home, I tried my best to stay with friends or my cousins. I didn’t want to be home.
A lot of times, he would call what he did punishment for whatever I had done, no matter how small. So I learned that imperfection would receive major consequences.
Anxiety and depression have been a major part of my life, even when I didn’t realize it. I have never been diagnosed, but I know it was there. The sadness, anxiety, panic attacks, overeating, withdrawal at times, thoughts of not wanting to be around anymore. I would pray for God to take my life. I don’t believe I would have ever taken my own life, but I just knew that I wanted to disappear. I hid most of this from others, because I didn’t want others to see that there was something wrong with me.
I grew up not trusting people, not believing in myself, not feeling worthy of love. Doing things right is how to be safe. I was up and down in my weight drastically throughout my life. I gained a lot of weight during late elementary school & junior high. Then dropped a lot of weight between junior high and high school. and so forth.
School was an escape. I enjoyed school. My friends were there and I really enjoyed class and learning. I wanted to be a teacher for the longest time.
After the 8th grade, we moved to a college town about 20 minutes away. I made friends quickly, but also missed the friends in the town I left.
Around the age of 14-15, I finally told my mom what dad had been doing. Mom reported it right away. Next time my dad came home, he was arrested, tried, and convicted of Sexual Battery on a Minor. He confessed. He got probation. He moved in with his parents until after I graduated high school.
After my dad was no longer living with us, it was such a relief. It was like a freedom. Maybe that’s part of why I was slowly walking away from my faith. Because I could kinda do whatever I wanted to do with less fear. Though I was still really anxious.
I saw a counselor for a few sessions, but she told me that I seemed to have picked up the pieces and moved on & I didn’t see her after that. Though I can’t say I was very open with her.
Now I don’t want people to think my childhood was bad all the time. I grew up in church on Sundays. My aunt took me to her church on Wednesdays. Awanas for those who know what that is & then youth group during junior high. My family on both sides are God fearing people and taught me the love of God. I enjoyed visiting my mom’s parents who managed a church camp and lived on the camp ground. I also enjoyed staying on the farm with my dad’s parents. I have an amazing spritual heritage. I was saved about the age of 12 at church camp.
I had friends all through school. I was on the gymnastics team & took high school choir. I also went to a dance school that was nearby and took ballet, tap, & jazz classes. I made good grades throughout school.
This is a good place for a story break.
I know this was a heavy part of my story, but it does get better later on.